Tomorrow I will put on my uniform for the last time
It's official, tomorrow is my last day as an NHS nurse. I'm not sure I can believe I am typing that but it's true. I haven't been well supported since coming back from my injury and I am still in so much pain I just cant take it any more - 12 hour shifts are far too much for someone who recently displaced their pelvis.
Its not just about my pain though, its about the culture change. Just a few short years ago the NHS was an amazing place to work, sure the wages were rubbish but you got to make a difference in people's lives every day and no amount of money can replace that.
Now though its all paperwork telling you how to do the job you spent years training to do, policies that make things that should be easy difficult and managers who are so stressed out their boxes that they take it out on their staff.
I don't belong in my work, I have never been a part of the team really, I simply don't fit in. Now I have been a happy outcast all my life I don't really want to fit in so it has never bothered me, but it seems to bother others. I am fed up of the place, fed up of the people and fed up of the pain.
I am fed up not having time to care for my patients because all that matters is moving them through the system to free up beds. I'm fed up of knowing I am not doing my job properly, not because I don't want to but because there is simply only so much that one person can do in twelve hours. Most of all I am fed up with the person I have become - I barely recognise her. I am this moody, grumpy version of myself who basically hates everything about life - this isn't me. I don't write anymore, I don't do anything any more. I don't sleep, I am exhausted all the time and I honestly cant remember the last time I could stand up without being in agony.
So next week I will start a private sector job - no more 12 hour shifts for me, no more nights, no more weekends, no more bank holidays and no longer fighting over Christmas off duty and being told my opinions don't matter because Christmas, apparently is only for folk with kids.