By in Personal

Life Has So Many Hurts

I just got off the phone with my daughter. Not even five days after a judge's ruling and there are games more being played, words being minced, and more.

One would think that when situation after situation does not go in one's favor, that the offending party would learn something, and not be so defiant to find every word to spin and try to "win" something that is not up for competition. It is disappointing and I was hoping, beyond hope, that the other party would do what is right by the law, and that these next three years will be more comfortable, as far as it can be considering the situation that one party has been determined to create.

I know that it will all take time, and there will be things with which my daughter will have to deal for the rest of her life because of decisions made over the years, as we all do. I just wish that it did not have so much effect on extended family.

Having to let go of those we love, when others have changed the course of history with unbridled angst, is one of the most heartbreaking things a supportive bystander can do.

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Kasman wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:24 PM

Keep a careful note of what is said and done. He might just overstep the mark and land in trouble with the Courts.

CalmGemini wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:36 PM

At times like this as a supportive bystander you will feel helpless.There seems to be nothing that can be done.But in spite of that we are bound to wish that the other party will behave in a humane manner.Am I right?

MegL wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:39 PM

These kinds of situations tear people apart. They must be very hard to deal with. Can she not just cut herself off completely from him? It seems as though one party wants the suffering to continue on and on.

valmnz wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:42 PM

Being a parent is far from easy, even when they become adults, perhaps for some of us more so then. I struggle to let go and stand back at times, but know it's necessary to stay sane.

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:42 PM

I can only encourage to do that for herself. She's not stupid, but she just wants the drama to go away. Unfortunately, she often turns a blind eye to things...ignore it and it will go away. I hope this last year has taught her that, she has to grow some testicles and be willing to stand up and take him to task. Her conciliatory methods don't work with him.

I'd take care of it, but it's not mine to take care of, Kasman . Besides, I'd need a "fundme" account for legal bills. LOL

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:44 PM

It's knowing that they won't and wishing they would. And being powerless to do anything. :-/

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:47 PM

Not with the minor child, who is living with the other party and hearing poison against her and all those associated with her. After 20+ years of the other tearing us all apart, and then 13 years ago, she putting her foot down a bit, there was some reconciliation, but with the kids, the wedges are now solidly in place for awhile. Thankfully, she has now allowed for things to be out in the open instead of hiding it from me, or her dad. That's a start.

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:48 PM

I know that is true. But I miss the people I had in my life now for the last few years, even though not idea. That's been changed again.

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 3:50 PM

valmnz Each of our situations are so unique. I don't talk of it much, for many reasons. But the most important is so that I don't dwell on that whcih I cannot change. It breaks my heart, nearly completely.

wolfgirl569 wrote on September 6, 2015, 4:03 PM

I feel for her and more so her kids that are caught in this also. As Kasman says keep everything jotted down including date and time of what was said or done. This can be very helpful later as she will not have to guess at anything.

markgraham wrote on September 6, 2015, 4:52 PM

Keep trying to teach her to keep standing up for herself even if you have to repeat yourself.

DWDavisRSL wrote on September 6, 2015, 5:10 PM

Is the ex-husband contacting her directly? The judge should have put a gag on him regarding that. Your daughter should not be talking to him about anything the judge decreed in court. That's why she paid the lawyer so much money. It's the shyster's job to deal with...him.

LeaPea2417 wrote on September 6, 2015, 6:03 PM

I do hope and pray all will work out good for your daughter in the long run.

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 6:12 PM

DWDavisRSL I know. There is a hearing for the final on the 18th. He's just playing his games. And I wish that she would not have made the decision last year to leave her (now) 15 1/2 yo son at the family home. Now, I think she sees her mistake, and that one is too late. emoticon :sad: "He may not be good marriage material for me, but he's a good father," she said. No, dear daughter, he is not. By many standards, he is not. *sigh*

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 6:13 PM

I think she gets this one. I hope so. Leopard will not change his spots.

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 6:14 PM

I will. She is 40 in 11 days. I will write it in a journal with the instructions to read daily.

CoralLevang wrote on September 6, 2015, 6:14 PM

Thank you, Leapea2417 It's all any of can do in the same situation.

chrisandmark wrote on September 6, 2015, 7:30 PM

I have no idea of the back story here but can guess, and I only hope things work out well for your daughter and family x

Feisty56 wrote on September 6, 2015, 8:58 PM

My heart tears a little bit each time one of my adult children is experiencing some difficulty in his or her life. Initially, in rescue mode, I'd swoop in and see how I could help "fix" things. It came to me that doing so was really not helpful to grown kids who needed to be able to stand on their own two feet. As you've explained, it is heart-wrenching to see these things happen but are out of our control.

A wise woman once told me, "When they're little they step on your toes and when they're grown they step on your heart." Although sometimes these adult children don't intend to cause us emotional pain, I've found this little maxim to be true.

Paulie wrote on September 7, 2015, 1:43 AM

I am very sorry to read about the grief and disappointment you are now feeling. I sincerely hope things get better.

markgraham wrote on September 7, 2015, 9:56 AM

Not to sound preachy, but this is when you and your family need to reach for a higher power to confront the disappointment.

CoralLevang wrote on September 7, 2015, 1:17 PM

Thanks, chrisandmark . Your guess would probably be spot on. And it, too, is my hope. We cannot change the back story/the past 21 years, but we can certainly move forward in our view until we get through the crap that lays on the road ahead. Put on the waders and get through the sh**!! emoticon :winking:

CoralLevang wrote on September 7, 2015, 1:19 PM

Oh, my goodness. How true, indeed.

There's only one thing we all can do...(see my comment above to chrisandmark) I am looking for the waders now. emoticon :winking:

BarbRad wrote on September 7, 2015, 4:35 PM

It is sad to have to stand by, helpless, and watch others, especially family, hurt in situations where we have no power to help except with moral support. I feel for you and your daughter.

CoralLevang wrote on September 7, 2015, 5:38 PM

Higher power means different things to different people. It is taken care of.
Thank you for the encouragement and reminder. emoticon :smile:

CoralLevang wrote on September 7, 2015, 5:39 PM

It will. Thanks, Paulie .

CoralLevang wrote on September 7, 2015, 5:40 PM

Thanks, BarbRad . One step at a time.... emoticon :smile:

markgraham wrote on September 7, 2015, 6:16 PM

A parents job is never done no matter what age the child.

CoralLevang wrote on September 7, 2015, 6:40 PM

And I feel for those parents and children whose relationships were tentative, at best, for whatever reasons behind it. Makes us need to take notice and think before the knee-jerk reactions of which we are all capable.

MegL wrote on September 8, 2015, 2:25 PM

CoralLevang , I have been thinking about this for a couple of days. I wonder if she might like to start her own blog, after all you have one and would be able to help her. I was thinking that she could write down all her experiences and thoughts. It would be something to point the children to and a record of how she felt. Even if she cannot counteract poison now, it will be there for the children when they get older. I am thinking of the Hands Free mama blog which turned into a book (or two) and where a woman who was a distracted mother with a bad temper managed to turn herself around. She shared her hurt, fears and pain and struck a massive chord with others in simlar positions.

CoralLevang wrote on September 8, 2015, 2:36 PM

Thank you, MegL .... I am a bit doubtful that she will do so, but I will copy and paste your comment into an email, and encourage her to check it out. Thank you so much for caring. Now, I cannot read through the tears. *hugs*

MegL wrote on September 8, 2015, 2:59 PM

My sister posts long discourses on Facebook and I copy and paste these (with her permission) into a blog for her. Eventually, I hope she will take it over. emoticon :grin:

CoralLevang wrote on September 8, 2015, 4:30 PM

I need to understand better the power of blogging. Most of what I write is rarely seen, as I do not understand (or care to?) SEO and the details. I just want to write. LOL

MegL wrote on September 8, 2015, 5:41 PM

So does my sister but she has a lot of Facebook acquaintances who were enjoying her posts. And they seem to have told others who view the posts on "her" blog. Occasionally, I submit the posts to Tsu, Stumbleupon or NewsVine.

AliCanary wrote on September 9, 2015, 2:48 PM

Well, this post was in such veiled terms, it's a little hard to determine what's going on except I guess they ruled in favor of your daughter but the ex is being a pissant as usual. That about sum it up?