This Song Makes Me Sad...
I am a complex person. What I most often show others is what I want them to see, though I make a point of being genuine. Yet, I do play my cards very close to my chest, so to speak.
When I do allow people in, they have a piece of my heart that I cannot take back. It means that I love deeply. It also means that I hurt deeply. I do not always show it...either.
I can come across as aloof, but when I say something from that heart perspective, you can rest assured that I do not say things lightly, when it comes to friendships and love. Those who approach it differently, can be surprised by the depth of who I am.
There was a person whom I "met" online and we became penpals online around 1999. We also chatted in chat room for many years. We developed a fondness for one another and shared many conversations and letters over the years. We finally met face-to-face several years ago, a business trip bridged the 5000 miles. Over the five days, we spoke over the phone several times daily, and shared a couple of dinners, sightseeing, and conversations that could only be shared by people who cared about one another.
For me, it was a realization that everything that I had felt and expressed for more than a decade was genuine. It also happened at the time I was awaiting results of my tests.
Soon after my friend returned to his country, I learned of my own health issues and also found out that for the 14 years we had known one another, there were many things that were not truthful. Partial truths, including his real first name (he had given me his son's first name as his own), were what began to unravel. Perhaps, it happened because there was something there, but so much was not truthful, it was difficult to undo because the foundation was never presented solidly from his end.
More and more, I began to see fallacies in what was presented over the years. I was always upfront, and would ask him about things. There was always an explanation. And each time, I felt more confused, and betrayed, not because of the situations, but because the lies were about things that I saw as foolishness. As his friend, nothing was ever so important that he would have needed to lie. And I forgave him, though I was more aware of what I came to see as his inability to be as truthful as I need in a friendship.I also noticed that he had begun to pull further away
I, eventually, wrote him a heartfelt letter saying that I needed to sever the friendship and told him all that I knew, and shared how I felt about the whole situation. Music had always been a part of "our" conversations, and I shared a video/song that I had heard just a few months before. The first time I heard it, I knew it was a song that spoke EXACTLY to me and how I always felt about him, and now what I had to do.
One year after I wrote that letter and shared "Say Something," I still hear the song or watch the video, and my heart feels as if it is having the life squeezed out of it in my chest. It is one of the most emotive songs that I have ever heard, and I think that when one watches this video, anyone can identify with it on many levels.
For me, it speaks a sentiment that I would not ever want to have not experienced, even though some may have found me foolish. Yet, my words, my feelings, my heart were always true, and I learned that I am capable of giving a depth of love that many cannot understand, even if unrequited.
More from the 30-Day Song Challenge:
Coral Levang © 2015 All rights reserved.
Image Credit » http://pixabay.com/en/woman-lips-clouds-sky-flash-641528/ by Bonnybbx