Secrets For Eternity
Have you ever stumbled upon a well kept secret? One that you weren't supposed to hear but heard anyway? I have.
My grandfather has been looking into our ancestry. When he stumbled upon more evidence of twins in the family, I went to discuss it with my grandmother. She *accidentally* (and I use this term loosely) told me that my mother had miscarried twins.
I told her flat out that I did not believe her. I thought she was just trying to stir things up as she likes to do sometimes. I asked my grandfather about it and he said that it was not true. The way he said it made me believe that it was not true. I can, for the most part, tell when someone is lying. With that being said I went to talk to my uncle.
My uncle is my mother's youngest brother. He would have been a child at the time of my mother's pregnancy. He said he had no recollection of her being pregnant. Now as a child there is the chance that he wouldn't have known anyway.
With that being said, my grandmother came to apologize to me. "I didn't mean to tell you that." she said. I told her that it was okay as I didn't believe her anyway. "Granddaddy says it wasn't true." I told her. She insists that it was and her conviction and posture made me believe it this time.
So I started to ask questions. Now I know how to handle delicate matters. I didn't ask any specifics but the questions I did ask were to test whether I could ask more questions or not. She was a closed door on the subject. However the little she did say (which she didn't realize she gave away) has me guessing a few things.
For one I believe that my grandmother's failure to tell me anything is more because of her own prejudice and regret than it is to protect my mother's memory. My grandmother isn't the type of person to say good things about the deceased. What I mean is when she remembers people who have passed she tends to remember the bad rather than the good.
She has told me things after my mother's passing that I didn't care to hear, and that were ill of her to say after my mother's passing. So anything bad about my mother would not stop her from saying anything.
I think that it is more that my grandmother feels regret for her actions during the time, or for her prejudice then and now. I also think it could be that my mother had asked those many years ago that no one say anything.
My other uncle, the eldest child would be the one to talk to. Well perhaps he would be, but I believe he was absent during this time period. With that being said he is also deceased.
So that leaves my aunt. Now I wouldn't want to ask her because she would want to talk to my grandmother first, and if she didn't she would be the type not to say anything because my mother asked her not to.
I know that it could not have necessarily been an age thing because my older brother was born when my mom was thirteen years of age. I know that everyone has been left out of the loop since the incident.
The only ones to know would be my grandparents and my aunt. As I mentioned my two uncles were either too young or absent during this time.
** There is the possibility that the miscarriage could have been before my birth or after. However my sister and brother would have been old enough to have some sort of memory of it. In this time frame they would have been around 6 (my sister) and 10 (my brother) years of age. I was born in 87 and my sister and I are six years apart and 10 years apart respectfully.
** I just thought of something else... If this were the case then it's very likely that the father of said twins was my father. So they would have been my direct siblings. Of course I am more apt to believe that it was before she met my father and thus closer to when my brother was 6 years of age.
I gab about this here because I can not ask anyone in my family. It irks me somewhat but I have let it go for the most part. I can't force anyone to say anything, and I know one day I will find out. I will say this, no matter what (and if) I gleam from this, I could never or would never feel any sort of pity or disgust toward my mother because of the miscarriage and the circumstances surrounding it. If it had been perhaps that she was attacked, I can certainly understand the secrecy but I find it highly unlikely. If she was going to have the children then eventually the subject of who their father was would have been questioned.