Helping a friend decide what is best for them.
Friends oftentimes turn to us for advice. Just remember to take things with a grain of salt if they don't not take the advice you ultimately gave them. Remember that your friend is NOT you and that while you are trying to help, chances are you are saying what you would do in that situation. A good friend will thank you for your advice regardless of what they decide. A good friend will thank you for listening and you as a good friend were NOT being asked for advice so you could be all judgemental.
Sometimes all your friend needed was a sounding board, someone to hear what they say, what they're going through and to get feedback. When they were talking things out with you, they may have already been coming up with a solution and that solution may or may not mesh with your thoughts on what to do.
I have a friend with a current dilemma. I would never dream of telling my friend to stop trying to fix things in his relationship. It is not what he wants to hear when he tells me how things are going. I told him once and only once my opinion and he knows it. I admire the fact that he takes his wedding vows seriously. So many people today are willing to get divorced. No one takes the vows "for better or for worse" seriously anymore.
He is unhappy in his current location. He lives in an area with a cheaper cost of living than here, but the majority of his friends and family are here in the NYC and NJ area. There I do not hesitate to tell him what I would do - repeatedly as he hasn't told me to shut up. Lol. I am moving upstate. Cheaper cost of living. Much closer to NYC (and his family here in NJ - I am close with his family except one sister). He no longer wants to rent. He is concerned about job opportunities and finishing school. I sent him links to houses he considers within his budgets in areas with good school districts (not in the same town as I plan to move to, but in the general vicinity). I sent him links to local job boards including the local public transportation system and local airport which pay well and provide full benefits. I sent him the links to local colleges he could attend to further his education and he thanked him.
I asked him how he feels about where he lives and he said, he hates it there, but he cannot make decisions based on what he wants, but what is best for his family. I told him it is best for his family if he is happy. He is not happy there and that will not change. He is over 17 hours away from his family and friends here. The area I provided him info with is less that 4 hours away. I told him I know he could be happy there, but he is nervous and that is understandable. Even unhappy, he knows what he is in for where he is at. It is familiar. It is hard to make moves - job change, change in location, etc. It is a lot to process.
Whatever he decides, I just want my friend to be happy because that is what good friends want. Friends after all are the family we choose.
personal | journal | acrogodess1 | friends | advice
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Feisty56 wrote on January 5, 2015, 9:56 PM
It's generous and thoughtful of you to find that information to give your friend. Now that he has facts to consider, he can make his decision based on more than conjecture. It might be his wife that is not wanting to move, though.
PattyTherre wrote on January 5, 2015, 10:54 PM
Sounds like he just has no idea what to do. He wants to do what makes him happy but feels obligated to do what makes his family happy or at least what he thinks does. Maybe he should talk it over with his wife and see if she game to move. It could be good for their relationship. Or of course, could be the beginning of the end. But at least he can say he tried.
paigea wrote on January 6, 2015, 10:42 AM
You are a good friend, you've sent him information. Only he can figure out the rest.
acrogodess914 wrote on January 7, 2015, 10:13 AM
Yeah. They checked over the houses together and they liked one of them very much. Now I sent him the link to look for jobs in the area. Let's see how things go.
acrogodess914 wrote on January 7, 2015, 10:15 AM
His eldest daughter is in kindergarten and he's worried about how she will take the move. She is 5. I told him kids adjust, but it will definitely be harder the longer she's been in school with the same people. Now is the time to move, if he is ever going to do it.
acrogodess914 wrote on January 7, 2015, 10:16 AM
No, she talks to me on Facebook sometimes. She is unhappy there too and also wants to move back up north. I think they're just nervous of Change.
ViperGirl85 wrote on January 8, 2015, 11:01 PM
I'm glad you were there to help them out!
And as for your opening, yeah, I hate it when I am venting either to a friend or in public, and they have to make some little remark. I'm thinking "Did I ask you? Just leave me alone!"
acrogodess914 wrote on January 9, 2015, 1:31 AM
Lol. Yeah, it is annoying when we are just venting and they throw in their two cents.
happynutritionist wrote on January 14, 2015, 1:58 PM
Yes, it is very hard for some people to make changes, even if they are good for them. It is good of you to help him work through his thoughts.
Glenn wrote on January 15, 2015, 7:53 PM
I can relate to your feelings about your friend. It sounds like he just wants someone to listen, and as you said, he may just want someone to side with him. I have the same dilemma. When a friend asks for help or advice, I first ask if they want help, which may be a critical comment. Many times they don't realize that they don't want to be told what to do. It's crazy, because they are asking for help. But they really don't want it.
Ruby3881 wrote on February 5, 2015, 10:30 AM
I think a true friend is the one who just wants the friend to be happy. Too many people want to be "right" no matter what.