By in Family

I lied to avoid confrontation tonight but owned up to it eventually.

I have been avoiding one of my two sisters for a variety of reasons. She is filled with drama and very self centered. I love and adore her but I have a lot of issues right now and all she wants to talk about are HER issues and HER problems and says she needs my advice. She is older than me by 15 years and could be my mother but instead wants me to mother her.

She knew I was avoiding her and wrote me on Facebook basically telling me she needed me because of issues A, B, G, H and the rest of the alphabet. She needed my advice and could I please not be mad at her. She basically abandoned me when my husband was in a near fatal accident in July. We had no vehicle for two months. He was severely injured. I couldn't get anywhere and we both had a lot of appointments. My son had to take time off of work and haul us around. My younger sister was amazing. She made us dinners and she and her husband offered to take us anywhere we needed to go. So supportive! My older one sent a card with a small gift card to WalMart in it two weeks after the accident. No idea exactly why but it was easy. She lives at WalMart practically.

Anyway, I have been having a lot of health issues. Scary ones. I haven't gone out anywhere but to doctor's appointments in ages. Tonight, my younger sister and I decided to go shopping and then to dinner. It was great to get out although I did have a slight issue in the store with my heart racing badly due to low blood sugar, the steroids I am taking, my heart rhythm disorder, anxiety or who on earth knows. I recovered and we had a nice diner.


My younger sister looked up and said, "We're dead." I thought she saw a group of masked gunmen walk in. But it was worse. Our sister had come to the same place and was standing mere yards away from us. You see, our sister is paranoid and she goes crazy if my younger (by 5 years) sister and I do things together without inviting her. But sometimes we don't want the hassle that is associated with all three of us going and the drama that ensues. We had to think fast. We called our older sister who was in the restaurant now in a booth feet away but had not seen us and told her that we were trying to get a hold of her. We said we wanted her to come to where we were and grab a bite to eat but we couldn't get in touch. Oh yes, we lied. we HAD to. Her wrath is much worse than sinning. Plus God knew we were trying to spare her feelings.

Finally, I just got up and walked over to her. She was there with a male friend she hangs out with that she says bores her but he pays for everything when they go places. She wasn't pleased, didn't believe we wanted her to go with us, said we conspired against her and well, she was right. I felt like poop.

After talking for a while, I explained exactly why I have been upset with her and I said I loved her and didn't want this distance but it can't always be about her. Sometimes *I* need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me and a few words of encouragement too!

She started to tell me about how sick she has been and how awful her life is. Same ole same ole. Never asked me how I was doing nor how my husband, who just returned to work this week after the car accident, was.

But I love her and I will put up with her self centeredness because of it. I wish so much she was more of a mother figure since our mom died young in 1996. But she isn't and won't be and that's that. She wants pity, attention, and only to talk about her woes.

Seeing her tonight though did remind me that we had some amazing times in the past and that I do love her. I willingly took on the role of advisor with her years ago and she gratefully accepted my advice although she is wise and older and knows right from wrong. So we all hugged and promised to get together on Halloween after the kids do their thing (My younger sister still has two teens. My kids are 24 and 28 so they don't factor in but my older sister has four grandkids) and sit down and talk somewhere. It will involve food. She LOVES her food!

I guess this was for the best. You can't hide from what is bothering you. Confronting it is best. I will talk, she will interrupt, I will try to explain, she will tell me how awful her life is and she wishes I knew how it felt and I will sigh and remember she is my blood, my sister. And it will all be OK.

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bestwriter wrote on October 25, 2014, 4:05 AM

I get what you mean. That poem I wrote was about our relationship when we were in the same house. Not things are different now with so much each of us have had to handle - some good and some bad.

angelseguera wrote on October 25, 2014, 4:17 AM

if someone need you consider it as a blessing because you can be trusted and reliable person to seek your comfort and advice

MegL wrote on October 25, 2014, 4:50 AM

Your older sister probably missed out on a lot of mothering with your mother dying young. There are some people who NEVER realise that the world does not revolve around them!

Scorpie wrote on October 25, 2014, 7:01 AM

My wife is a generally truthful person but encounters the same problems with her family. I guess it's okay to lie to family even if you do get busted.

Jadecat777 wrote on October 25, 2014, 9:05 AM

It is always best just to get it out in the open; life is so short and if we keep everything inside it can eventually make us very sick.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 11:49 AM

I know. I am just going through a lot and I hated the thought of dealing with more drama. But I now feel so much better because, despite it all, she is my sister and I love her dearly.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 11:51 AM

Oh I got busted but even if I was telling the truth, my sister would have believed it was a conspiracy. She feels the need to be involved in everything we do even with our families yet doesn't think of us when she has plans. She's unique and I love her for that. lol.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 11:54 AM

Mom didn't die that young. My sister had two kids and was married and remarried before Mom died. I guess to me, having a brain aneurysm at 66 and being in the hospital for four years mostly in a vegetative state before dying as young. She was so full of life before that and a huge part of our lives. My older sister actually had the best of both parents and always says they loved her best. lol

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 11:56 AM

I do. I am always grateful when someone comes to me because they trust me. But these past few years, a lot of things that she has come to me with were embellished in her head and not exactly as they really were. And although she wants advice, she never ever ever takes it. I think she just likes to listen to herself complain. But still, I do love her and will listen.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 11:58 AM

As we get older, we change or define ourselves and we see we're not the same people we were sometimes. But I am glad that we at least saw each other and are back on good terms. She blew up my Facebook last night with all kinds of messages with stuff she NEEDS me to help her deal with. Maybe it's good to get my mind off of me and on to someone else...

Kasman wrote on October 25, 2014, 1:06 PM

Lying to family is quite acceptable - if you have a family like yours (and mine). Sometimes we just can't be bothered with other people's problems - even if we do love them.

SLGarcia wrote on October 25, 2014, 2:36 PM

I had similar issues with my younger sister. She was 6 years younger than me and had multiple problems and issues. I do believe she was diagnosed as bipolar. That was what she said but one could never completely believe her. She lived in another state and died when she was 51. It was a sad situation and I wish things had been different. Unfortunately, I could not help her.

AliCanary wrote on October 25, 2014, 2:59 PM

I don't think you should expect her to be a mother figure, but she sounds like she is really quite tiresome to be around, and if telling her flat-out why you don't enjoy hanging out with her doesn't do the trick, you may need to distance yourself from her for your own good.

alexdg1 wrote on October 25, 2014, 3:51 PM

I wish it were easier dealing with family members. I have an extremely difficult (some might say toxic) relationship with my older half-sister. We are so different that it doesn't seem like we share the same mother.

bestwriter wrote on October 25, 2014, 8:13 PM

I think it is a nice feeling when someone needs you.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 8:15 PM

It is but when you are in a real bind yourself with severe health issues and someone needs you for things that are very petty, it is a bit tiring. I would prefer that we have an equal relationship where I go to her and she comes to me rather than having to not tell her things about me because she honestly doesn't want to talk about anything but herself. Still, I have been trying to help her and advise her and always will.

bestwriter wrote on October 25, 2014, 8:19 PM

I can tell you when she stops depending on you that will be missed by you, your bad health notwithstanding. Actually I have a friend like that who borrows my shoulder. But I have accepted it because I know she has no shoulder where I can weep.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 8:42 PM

It's been a long and often rocky road with my sister. She has some issues which I won't get too into but I cherish her. I just needed a break to deal with my own issues. I literally had nothing left to give. I feel like I can now pick up where I left off.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 8:43 PM

It's just her problems are entirely of her own doing and when I give her advice...she ignores it then complains that nothing changes. I guess I will just have to accept that she is who she is and will never change at this stage of her life.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 8:45 PM

My sister was diagnosed as bipolar once but then someone else said it was anxiety and depression (which runs in our family). But she has stretches of time when she is gogogogogo and then she crashes and sleeps for days on end, cries and feels hopeless. So I believe she is bipolar and really needs the right meds. When she's down, everything is a huge deal to her and she totally believes that everyone is out to get her.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 8:48 PM

No one will ever replace mom but my sister is 15 years older and the oldest of us 4 kids. It would have been great if she stepped up a little bit and was more mature during the illnesses and loss of of parents (10 years apart) but instead she seemed to turn into a child. She openly whines that she wants attention and wants people to feel sorry for her. I tell her to be proud of herself and be strong because she IS but she wants to be seen as a victim.

PattyTherre wrote on October 25, 2014, 8:50 PM

I have read a lot about your half sister and I know you know how tough it can be dealing with difficult people. My sister is a lot like my father was but even HE had more compassion and way more pride than her. I don't know. I guess she is just what and who she is. I wish I didn't have to coddle her and we could be friends again like my younger sister and I are.

AliCanary wrote on October 25, 2014, 11:14 PM

Oy, poor thing. I do feel sorry for her, because she sounds pathetic. I thought people wanted to be respected and loved, not pitied. Apparently there are some who do want that--reminds me of those people with Munchausen Syndrome who make themselves ill to get sympathy. It takes all kinds, I guess. I think you are a good sister, and you're trying. Just don't let it take too much out of you, though--you have your own stuff to deal with, and you have a right to take care of yourself.

SLGarcia wrote on October 26, 2014, 10:35 AM

A friend of my sister's once described her as "draining". That was an accurate description. It is extremely difficult to spend much time with such people. I remember getting to a point of where I really had to think of my own well-being.

paigea wrote on October 26, 2014, 12:25 PM

Family eh. I was thinking about this yesterday as I was driving to visit some relatives. Had a surprisingly good visit though

BarbRad wrote on October 27, 2014, 1:14 AM

Sounds like a very difficult relationship. It makes makes me grateful that my brother and I get along fine now.